If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have fence marks all over my body
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
