Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
