Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
