How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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