According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
