even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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