its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
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this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
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Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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