how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
