Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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