fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I looked at my own cervix.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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