hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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