My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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