Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
