her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Randomize
