Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
