i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
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Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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