It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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