just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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