mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
