why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
