Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I feel great
I just peed on a car
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
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