His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
