I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
oh good, I think they're gone
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?