How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
