It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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