Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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