just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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