where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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