Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
