My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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