There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
