I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
