We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
