What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
