My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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