there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
