ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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