mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
