That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Randomize