as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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