Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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