Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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