weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
