I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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