Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
