Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
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i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
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I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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