I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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