3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
