Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
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