omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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