I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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