Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
