i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
