He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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