You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
