How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
