i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
