wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
