My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
