Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
